New Girl's Blog

I'm Dannielynn's Father!

2007-03-26T18:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know what you're thinking: "Um, due to your female genitalia, I'm almost 99.9% sure you're not a father." For those who don't have their fingers on the pulse of the National Enquirer, I guess the other possible thing you're thinking is, "Who is Dannielynn?" Well, let me answer your question with another question? Do you know who Anna Nicole Smith is? Dannielynn would be her 7 month or so old daughter, a dear child conceived out of wedlock. Anna Nicole's history includes topless dancing, playboy centerfolds, a marriage to an 89 year old oil tycoon (I thought it was true love, though many have accused her of gold-digging, but that's niether here nor there), and her own reality TV show in which she let us in to her world, otherwise known as a drug induced haze.

Her colorful background has allowed for numerous men to claim that they are Dannielynn's father with a certain amount of credibility. At least three have come forward to claim paternity, and the courts are all in a tizzy, especially since Anna Nicole's early demise last month. I am here to set the story straight. I, New Girl, am Dannielynn's father. While she has spent the last forever number of years fighting her evil stepson for the estate of her late husband, she has secretly had access to his Swiss bank account, worth almost as much as his known legal estate (about $500 million). What has she been doing with that money? I'm glad you asked. She has invested in cutting edge reproductive research looking for a way to use the DNA from two of the same sex to create a human embryo. This research is pretty hush hush due to the implications for same sex couples and the holy hell it would cause among the religious right, so I'm not surprised you haven't heard about it. You can trust me all the same.

Mid-summer, 2005, researchers found a way to make it happen, and Anna Nicole was eager to be the first to put it to the test. She asked me to be the genetic material donor. I was so touched, how could I say no? Well, a short time later (about 9 months), out popped Dannielynn. All this is to say, I'm tired of the lies and the hullabaloo, and I thought it was time to reveal the truth. The judge will be receiving my DNA sample any day now. When I am awarded custody of Dannielynn, I pledge to continue the fight for my, I mean her, millions from J. Howard's estate.

My new haircut (is coming soon)

2007-03-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

I have been getting many comments about the lack of recent posts. As I think I've stated before, I don't like posting when I don't have something funny to say. I laugh plenty, but mostly at other people, and recounting their embarrassing moments and anecdotes doesn't strike me as appropriate, or all that funny.

The other day, just after such a conversation about the lack of fodder for my blog, I got gum stuck in my hair. How does a grown woman spit gum out into her hand, but miss the hand and hit her hair instead? It was quite stressful as I was just about on my way out the door. I couldn't go out like that, it would only make it worse, not to mention look ridiculous. Do I go get the peanut butter? For those of you not in the know, peanut butter breaks up the sticky property in gum, making it easy (well, easier) to extract from hair. The problem with that idea was, I can't go out with peanut butter in my hair either. Even if I had wiped most of it out, I'd still smell like a 4th grader's lunchbox. Instead, I did my best to work through the gum knot, pulling away strands of hair one and two at a time, but quite frankly, there was also plenty of hair breaking going on. If my hair dresser were dead, he'd role over in his grave. Luckily he's alive, but that's neither here nor there. All through this process, I was thinking, "I can't believe this happened to me, this is something Tonda would do." Luckily she agreed when I told her.

So, all that is to say that I have resolved to cut my hair as soon as possible to a length in which I would have to be doing some pretty crazy flailing and head shaking in order for gum to have a trajectory from my mouth to my hair. Also, I'm just tired of my hair being so long. The boyfriend isn't thrilled with the idea of me cutting my hair, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he'd rather that than think about gum in my hair, due to his revulsion of gum in general. Thus, should he complain about my haircut, I will silence him with memories of what I will hereafter call, "The Gum Affair."

Blasphemous Thoughts (aka Immaturity)

2006-10-30T12:49:00.000-05:00

I think I might be a bit too immature to really appreciate some religious literature, particularly the more erotic/suggestive kind. The kind that reads, "The sweet dew of the eternal Trinity gushed forth from the fountain of the everlasting Godhead into the flower of the chosen maid." For a "holy virgin in body and spirit," Mechthild sure knew a little somethin' somethin'. If we trace it back to Song of Songs (or perhaps there's more preceding Song of Songs that my ignorances knows nothing of), might it then be fair to say that Song of Songs is the first romance novel? Really, slap a picture of Fabio as a pirate, a viking or a rogue (see above) on the cover of a pocket book sized publication of Song of Songs and we've got a bestseller fo shizzle, you feel me?

As for me, I'm just a hopeless romantic waiting for the right guy to say to me, "You are an allurement to my Godhead."

Sex and Seminary (I Like Alliteration)*

2006-10-15T10:35:00.000-04:00

*For those of you offended by my complete irreverence, I apologize. I have no intention of pissing people off, mostly. Also, I really like Suzanne, Brian, and Scot and I appreciate their willingness to share their opinions on things. So like, if any of you are reading this now, you rock.

I had dinner with some delightful seminary folk last weekend. Dinner table conversation turned to sex, I think I may have started that. Not so surprising really. I mean, in my family it's a toss up between sex and bathroom humor for most frequent dinner time topic. We're pretty mature and sophisticated. Either that or we're just too influenced by the dumbed-down, sex driven filth that Hollywood puts out these days. How political, I like it. (Just to clarify, however, lest someone were to think that I'm actually very deep and thoughtful, I LOVE dumbed-down, sex driven Hollywood filth!) So anyway, we were noting that in seminary, the bigger story is who IS having sex, rather than who's not. It's sad really, because isn't it during sex that most people speak most directly to God? Oh.... it's during private prayer? My bad.

This all leads me to wonder: how would seminary be different if everyone were getting laid?
- Barth, Tillich, Rahner, Suzanne, Brian, Scot...... can't we all just get along?
- A lot of us would be going to hell, cuz we're not all married, isn't sex before marriage sinful? I thought I read that somewhere.
- There'd be a lot more seminary babies, cuz I heard that contraception is pretty evil too. I'm not sure how that works, but I prefer to believe without questioning, it leaves more time for picking out my outfits.
- I can't decide if "feet" would come up more or less during Old Testament.
- #*&% (name's been changed for security purposes) wouldn't be quite so tormented by his (or her) raging hormones.
- Maybe a proof text would be discovered that justifies orgiastic hedonism
- Would more men take the Human Sexuality course?
- At the end of Common Meal, instead of a presentation we'd hit the lights and get down to business, it's what the early Church did, no?

In other news, my friend T. Bush has informed me that I'm the only groupie he wants. How sweet is that? I'm #1 groupie!

Judges

2006-09-28T22:30:00.000-04:00

In Old Testament today, we began by discussing the book of Judges which covers the time period just prior to the monarchy. Nancy, the professor, wanted to make sure we had an accurate understanding of what it meant to be a judge in that context. She acknowledged how our understanding might be different given our own context by saying, "Usually when we think of judges we think of the Supremes." People nodded in understanding, but I didn't. I was too busy trying to figure out what Diana Ross has to do with an ancient text about the history of Israel. If Doug hadn't been sitting next to me and whispered, "You know, like the Supreme Court," I think I would still be thinking about Diana.

I'm going to Hildale!

2006-07-14T14:23:00.000-04:00

I have now received numerous comments regarding the lack of new reading material on my blog, so I have decided to give a new post a try. Here's my problem: I am currently (and by currently I mean since the last time I posted, a month and a half ago maybe) of the persuasion that I don't want to post anything unless it's delightfully funny and charming, but, I have not had any inspiration in that vein. I have had some laughs this summer, but overall, it's been busy and stressful, I think that hampers my humorous creativity. I could tell you a story I heard about a narcoleptic dog, or about my talent for being inappropriate during meeting for business, but those aren't really blog material.

What I think I will tell you is that Darcy and I have decided to write a screenplay. The idea started with the kittens that live at Darcy's house. They've just learned that they like going outside, and we had the great idea that we should film a music video of the song "A Whole New World" (yes, the song from Aladdin), in which we introduce the kittens to, well, a whole new world. Of course, we couldn't leave it at just a music video, thus, the screenplay idea was born. We have been inspired by the guys who wrote Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, just a couple of guys who had a good idea for a movie. We're not that far along yet, we don't know what the movie will be about, but we do have some ideas for a few scenes. The following may, or may not, be inspired by real life occurences.

- We'll definitely put the music video in, but of course, we'll need new actors to play the roles of "Kittens", as the present kittens will be cats by the time we get to filming
- A main character will definitely be caught by her crush talking to a cement pillar. And when I say "talking to", I mean "hitting on", a la a more ebonics version of Joey Tribbiani's, "How you doin'?"
- We might as well throw the narcoleptic dog in, now that I think about it
- There will be a peripheral character that is considered a friend, but at the same time makes people uncomfortable, particularly when he/she hugs with his/her pelvis too close
- As it seems to be a theme in, um, "people's" lives of late, I think a bit of unrequited love, from a distance of countries and continents will be highlighted. After all, that's compelling and might be the source of the clip they show at the Oscars when the film is up for "Best Picture".
- Lastly, I'd like to describe another peripheral friend character. He is a pretty cool guy, good-looking and funny-looking simultaneously, a bit awkward at times and can be a little inappropriate, but despite these attributes, has an incredible inner confidence. He's the kind of guy who brings a handle of hard liquor to a wine party, and then unabashedly works on the handle all evening so that it doesn't go to waste. I'm thinking Vince Vaughn would be the actor to capture him sufficiently.

So, my creativity is waning, but luckily I have these great ideas written down here so that I don't forget them. We'll have a finished product soon, and I promise you'll all receive invitations to the premiere. It will be held in the little town of Hildale in southern Utah. Why Hildale you ask? Because, I respond, that place deserves to be put on the map for something more positive than a hotbed of Warren Jeffs' followers. I haven't actually been there, but I hear the scenery is delightful.

Oh for the love of hockey!

2006-05-27T12:53:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure I have the words to describe how wonderful the game of ice hockey is. Sure, part of the game plan is hitting the other guy as hard as you can to take him out of play for a few seconds, and it's really expensive so it's primarily upper-middle and upper class white guys out there playing (though women are moving up, so there is that), and the players' bench after a game is a revolting cess pool of spit and snot rockets. All that said, it's still brilliant.

My favorite team, as many of you may know, is the Detroit Red Wings. I love them. One of the things on my lifetime to-do list is to see them play at the Joe in Detroit, that would be awesome. If for some odd reason I end up rich and/or well-connected, we'll make that a playoff game at the Joe. Like any relationship, we have our ups an downs. They've had a hard time since 2002, the last time they won the Stanley Cup. "The winningest coach in history," Scotty Bowman, retired after that season so I think that's why. They had a good season this year, but fell in the first round of the playoffs, that made me sad. I'm happy to say that the Carolina Hurricanes have lifted my spirits since that first round depression. They lost to Detroit in the 2002 finals, it was a really good series and I've liked the Canes as a team since. They've also acquired two new faces since then that make them that much more enjoyable. Commodore who got traded from Calgary is just pretty damn cool, and cutie-pie playmaker Eric Staal, Staal, he's so hot right now, Staal (Zoolander? anyone?), is candy for the eyes (see above), as well as a damn good player. Carolina is currently battling Buffalo for the Eastern Conference title, and the series is tied 2-2. They creamed Buffalo last night, 4-0, it was great.

As I said above, I'm not sure I'm enough of a poet to describe just how great the game is, but watching the playoffs, I've managed to come up with my top ten reasons why hockey is so great, especially come playoff time.

10. During the playoffs, there is a game on TV just about every day, what a wonderful excuse for not getting things done.
9. The player interviews. A large percentage of the NHL is Canadian and listening to them talk aboot the game of hockey is so much fun, eh.
8. The road to the Cup is about endurance and who wants it the most. What's better than watching a team up by three still fighting for every face off and winning the battles along the boards? Not a lot my friend, trust me.
7. Another point on endurance, how great is it when a playoff game goes to five periods and the players are practically falling over they're so tired, but it's still a great game cuz they all want it? Good times.
6. Hockey is a FAST sport. There's no watching out of the corner of your eye while you do something else. It's an all or nothing sport, for the players and the fans. Sweet.
5. Game 3 of a playoff series. If you follow hockey, you know that this is THE game, the turning point where the intensity heats up, the players start to push each others' buttons, and the game becomes ten times better and more exciting than it already was.
4. The new rule changes this year. They did good. My personal favorite is the shoot-out at the end of a tie game. Why didn't anyone think of this sooner?
3. Those three back-to-back-to-back shots that the goalie miraculously saves. How did he do that? It's almost superhuman. Almost.
2. Na-nananana-na, HEY!, na-nana-na (Do other sports have this cheer? I don't know, but it's a fun one, at least when you're team is winning.) Hockey fans are pretty cool (for proof, see previous post.....er.....I mean, ignore previous post!).
1. During the playoffs, most games have that pivotal 10 minutes of frantic skating, huge hits, the quickest line changes you've ever seen, and shots on goal from every angle and out of nowhere. This 10 minutes explains why your quads hurt the next day cuz you leaped up and out of your seat so much, it was like doing squats.

So there it is, some of my favorite things about the game of hockey. If you are already a fan, I hope I filled you with that warm glow, and if you're not, I hope you at least got a little excited by my description of playoff hockey.

I'm not as cool as you think

2006-05-25T14:12:00.000-04:00

I had a fun evening last night. My friend Darcy came over, and we had lots of laughs. Towards the end of the evening, however, we were noting that while we had a ton of fun and lots of laughs, the nature of our fun was a perfect example of why it's so hard to answer the question, "So what do you do for fun?" I was thinking about this, and I just think that maybe it's time for me to let everyone in on a little secret: I'm not as cool as you think I am. Don't get me wrong, I am pretty cool, but I'm also not. Here's the story of how dorky we really are.......

The evening started with Darcy asking to look at my dog book. I have a book that has pictures and information about all of the different breeds of dogs, and for awhile now, it's been one of our "things" that Darcy always looks at the book when she comes over. We have passed countless hours looking at and commenting on the pictures in that dog book, not that cool.

We had some serious conversation about this and that, and the other thing, but the real story here picks up after the serious stuff. We decided to take a crack at learning the dance from Napoleon Dynamite. You know, the one he does at the school assembly in support of Pedro. We've been wanting to learn that dance for awhile. The thing is, it's kinda cool if the song comes on and you "spontaneously" bust out with the moves, but the process of learning the dance, that's just not so cool.

Well, we got the first three eight counts down, and then the moves got a little harder, so we decided we'd done enough for one night. I decided I should download the song so that we have it to practice to, thus I opened iTunes and we move into the next dorky phase of the evening. We were listening to clips of songs and singing along. Initially, we were pretty cool cuz it was really cool songs, oldies but goodies, I like to call them. Then we took a turn for the worst. I really don't know how she came up, but we started singing along with Celine Dion. Yes, I have her on my playlist, yes I know all the words, yes, not so cool. Darcy made the really good point that we know a lot of songs that they play on "96.5, KOIT, Light Rock, Less Talk". (Yes, it is necessary to refer to that radio station with the place on the dial, the call letters, AND the slogan.)

For those of you not familiar with this gem, let's take a trip back, oh, 15 or 18 years, when my mom used to drive me to and from school every day, as well as to anywhere we needed to go. What station was number one on my mom's pre-sets? Yes, it was Light Rock, Less Talk. This is the crap that your mom listens to that you are embarrassed to hear, let alone know the words to the songs because you've heard them so many times. I trust you all know this experience. Here's the thing: I am now a dorky adult because apparently, I like 96.5m KOIT, Light Rock, Less Talk now!!!!! I know all the songs, and I have them on my iTunes playlist. So yeah, not so cool.

If you think you have a taste of just how dorky I am, here is the kicker. After singing along to Light Rock, Less Talk, Darcy and I began discussing Disney songs. It was getting late, and we were tired, so lying down to continue our chatting and singing seemed like a good idea. We laid down nice and cozy, my laptop in my lap, and I found the Disney songs that I have on my playlist. Yes, they are on my playlist. We then proceeded to sing along, quite loudly, and with just the right theatrical flair and intonation to match the tracks (thus, you might infer that we have heard and sung along with these songs many a time). A Whole New World, Beauty and the Beast, Can You Feel the Love Tonight?, and the grand finale, everyone's favorite, Part of Your World. The Little Mermaid was out in theaters when I was 9 years old. I wasn't going to be a doctor or lawyer when I grew up, oh no. I was going to be Ariel. Now you can stop wondering about the pic I've attached.

So there you have it. Let me remind you, I AM pretty cool. But just so you know that even the coolest among us are not perfect, I chose to let you in on the real story. This narrative might be featured on VH1's Kate Newlin: Behind the Music, but I wanted you all to have the scoop first.

Lexi and Jenny

2006-05-21T22:34:00.000-04:00

I got to clerk my friends Lexi and Jenny's wedding yesterday. If I wasn't before, I sure am hella Quaker now. I feel pretty certain that it was the best wedding I've ever attended. Every thing about it was great, the ceremony was beautiful, the food was great, the music was awesome, and the dance floor packed. There was something extra, though, that made it such a wonderful afternoon and evening. I think it might have something to do with how wonderful Lexi and Jenny are, thus the people they count as friends and family are pretty amazing too, it made for an atmosphere marked by an abundance of energy and joy. I wish I was a better writer so that I could capture a bit more fully just how special it was. I think that Lexi and Jenny are such beautiful people that the beauty overflows and fills those in their presence. Everyone there was so beautiful and I felt as though I would love to sit and chat with anybody and everybody, even though I only knew about 20% of the people there. It was just the kind of experience that fills your heart with joy. Lexi and I grew up in Pacific Yearly Meeting together and she is one amazing woman. She's the kind of person who is kind and caring and full of love, yet you feel surprised and humbled when you figure out that she likes you and considers you a friend. Like, you're not quite sure how someone so good and so cool would even know you were alive, let alone think you're cool or funny. Oh and also, she might be one of the best, if not THE best, dancers I know.

Watching Lexi and Jenny together, I started wondering, do we all get that? I know other couples as well whose partnerships just seem inspiring to me. I like to think that I'll be a part of something like that one day, but sometimes I feel like God is doing everything possible to thwart the possibilities for me. Geography, timing, you name it and I think it's being used to my disadvantage. I don't mean to sound like I'm having a pity party for myself here, I just think it's an interesting thing to ponder in a cosmic sort of way. Things like this always seem very obvious and clear in hindsight, the lessons we have to learn or the hurdles we have to overcome before we say, engage in a committed relationship with perhaps THE person. It overwhelms me sometimes thinking about it because while hindsight is so clear, it can be pretty hard to determine the correct path in the moment. In my prayers I've been focusing a lot in the last month and a half on trust, specifically in God. One of the things that helps keep the anxiousness at bay is to remember that if I trust God and if I am faithful in listening to and following God where I am led, I will make the right choices for me, the ones that will get me to where I want to be in my life and create the opportunities for the relationships I want to have. All that said, I really am quite blessed in my life.

What I learned from last weekend's festivities

2006-05-16T22:15:00.000-04:00

While shopping for proper attire:
-It's possible for four girls to each find burlesque outfits in under 30 minutes
-Darcy looks really good in lingerie when she tries it on in the middle of the store with her t-shirt on underneath
-Jelly bracelets are making a comeback
-Frilly bloomers are supposed to be worn under skirts, but we looked WAY hot in just the bloomers

From Bombshell Betty:
-When in doubt, shake it
-Always show inner thigh
-Use a boa to accentuate your curves
-Fishnets are surprisingly hot, you'd think they'd breath a little
-Lipstick on teeth is not a good look
-Burlesque dancers in the days of yore would have taken their clothes off if they could've gotten away with it
-How to make my own pasties

During dinner:
-Vin Diesel has a twin and he's a mover/voiceover artist/waiter in San Francisco - and his name is Alan
-It's possible to fall down upon entering a restaurant and still seem cool
-V-dub is somehow not attracted to Jon Kelly, but has been saying she was so that she could fit in
-One arm in the jacket and one arm out is a good solution to a heat lamp on one side and the cool SF air on the other
-In a group picture, it's good to take the first one with your eyes closed

At AsiaSF:
-A "gender illusionist" is really just a fancy name for a transexual
-Muscled male strippers look good in firemen's gear
-More than one bathroom is needed for a club hosting more than one bachelorette party
-If you're dancing at a club while wearing tighty whities and sagging your pants, DO NOT take off your shirt
-Taking a burlesque dance class then walking to a restaurant 8 blocks away, then to the club 4 blocks away, THEN dancing for a few hours, can really make your feet hurt - not funny, but true

At Meeting the next morning:
-Quakers sure are funny, in their own way

2006-05-05T20:02:00.000-04:00

I'm finally done with my finals, so now I am free to worry about some more important issues. Next weekend, I will be attending a bachelorette party in which we are going to take a burlesque dance class. I look forward to this event very much, and I hope they have a pole, but that's neither here nor there. Here's my problem: the suggested attire is heals, fishnets, and hot pants. If you know me well this won't came as very much of a shock, but I don't own fishnets or hot pants, and worse, I don't even know where to buy them! Must I suffer the shame of wearing regular pants? I have a long drive ahead of me, so I have plenty of time to ponder my dilemma, and perhaps I'll even think up some establishments to peruse. I would try Walmart (gasp!), but from what I can tell of the clothes there, it's more trailer park prostitute than high class burlesque dancer. I suppose I could try the Fredrick's of Hollywood at my nearest Galleria, that's classy, right?

my new blog

2006-05-03T08:46:00.000-04:00

So I've been meaning to finish up a paper so that I can get started on another, and I thought, now would be a good time to start the blog I've been thinking about. So I'd like to give a shout out first and foremost to the big man upstairs who makes all things possible, my mom who supported and believed in me every step of the way, my friends who got me addicted to blogs in the first place, Tonda for providing me a call name, my homegirl D.Stan who promised to read my blog (she hasn't quite said that to date, but I know she will), my main man the homeless guy on the corner who made me realize that if I have internet access, I should really take advantage of it, all the other people involved in this project, you know who you are, and lastly, I'd like to thank the fans because without them I wouldn't be where I am today. Peace out y'all.