I'm Dannielynn's Father!

Ok, I know what you're thinking: "Um, due to your female genitalia, I'm almost 99.9% sure you're not a father." For those who don't have their fingers on the pulse of the National Enquirer, I guess the other possible thing you're thinking is, "Who is Dannielynn?" Well, let me answer your question with another question? Do you know who Anna Nicole Smith is? Dannielynn would be her 7 month or so old daughter, a dear child conceived out of wedlock. Anna Nicole's history includes topless dancing, playboy centerfolds, a marriage to an 89 year old oil tycoon (I thought it was true love, though many have accused her of gold-digging, but that's niether here nor there), and her own reality TV show in which she let us in to her world, otherwise known as a drug induced haze.

Her colorful background has allowed for numerous men to claim that they are Dannielynn's father with a certain amount of credibility. At least three have come forward to claim paternity, and the courts are all in a tizzy, especially since Anna Nicole's early demise last month. I am here to set the story straight. I, New Girl, am Dannielynn's father. While she has spent the last forever number of years fighting her evil stepson for the estate of her late husband, she has secretly had access to his Swiss bank account, worth almost as much as his known legal estate (about $500 million). What has she been doing with that money? I'm glad you asked. She has invested in cutting edge reproductive research looking for a way to use the DNA from two of the same sex to create a human embryo. This research is pretty hush hush due to the implications for same sex couples and the holy hell it would cause among the religious right, so I'm not surprised you haven't heard about it. You can trust me all the same.

Mid-summer, 2005, researchers found a way to make it happen, and Anna Nicole was eager to be the first to put it to the test. She asked me to be the genetic material donor. I was so touched, how could I say no? Well, a short time later (about 9 months), out popped Dannielynn. All this is to say, I'm tired of the lies and the hullabaloo, and I thought it was time to reveal the truth. The judge will be receiving my DNA sample any day now. When I am awarded custody of Dannielynn, I pledge to continue the fight for my, I mean her, millions from J. Howard's estate.